Are we optimistic ?

Don't forget to set your Sky Plus boxes for the West Ham v Spurs game at 10.15 tomorrow morning.

Well the new season is almost upon us and I'm sure that like me you are wondering how the Hammers will fare this season.

Personally I'm torn between hopeless optimism and the awful reality that Manchester City's mind-boggling array of talent will propel them into the top 5 and make the qualification for a place in the Europa League almost impossible for a team like ours.

The hopeless optimism is fuelled by the emergence and growing maturity of the current crop of youngsters that have come though the ranks, the signing of Jiminez and the return of Scottie Parker.

Add to that the imminent return of Valon Behrami and the fact that Zola and Clarke have had the boys for a full pre-season campaign and I am at least confident that we can keep ourselves in the top eight.

I also think we'll win the Asia Cup because we've taken a full squad apart from Deano and Valon and Gianfranco will have the players fired up and out to make a statement of intent.

Anyway, I've looked into my crystal ball and here's the way that things will pan out in August

Dean Ashton scores on his debut for Stoke and does a cartwheel celebration but lands awkwardly and the shock-wave causes several thousand pounds worth of damage to bone china in nearby pottery factories. A scan after the game indicates that the injury is not as bad as first thought and he should be back in time for pre-season training in 2010

Dimitar Berbatov tackles Titus Bramble in the game against Wigan and Man Utd fans ask Joddrel Bank to send a thank you to the aliens who kidnapped him and sent the doppelganger in his place.

Mike Ashley attempts to sell the Geordie club to Barnum & Bailey but they refuse to get involved saying, "At least we're honest enough to advertise ourselves as a circus !"

Harry Redknapp is still living in the past and signs David James from Portsmouth and Freddy Kanoute from Sevilla.

A Premier League spokesperson announces that contrary to what was previously reported they are still looking into the Tevezgate scandal and they are looking at new ways to compensate Sheffield United

In the Championship :

New Reading boss Alan Pardew replaces Brendan (Who ?) Rogers and takes them to the summit with a 100% record.

Newcastle welcome the arrival of a healthy again Joe Kinnear. Alan Shearer scores six goals in four games but his scoring feats only propel them to 4^th from bottom because the infamous Geordie defence has shipped 30 goals

Back to the Premiership

Harry Redknapp signs two more right backs and a left back because "Well you just can't have enough full backs can you ?"

Chelsea top the table at the end of the month having easily disposed of Hull, Sunderland, Fulham and Burnley. Chelsea fans are heard to bemoan the Italian style of play favoured by Ancelotti what with the Blues having won 4 out of 4 but somehow having only scored 3 goals.

Rumours abound that Harry Redknapp's obsession with wheeling and dealing has got out of hand and agents are taking advantage of him when his latest signing Dave Kitson is introduced to him at a training session. "Ere, 'ang on a minute, you look older than 29 and I thought you was taller …..and gingerer"

Liverpool are in the bottom 3 with just 2 points from 4 games but this time Rafa Benitez refuses to be drawn into the row about a loaded fixture list.

The surprise package so far is West Ham Utd who have won 4 out of 4 and are now only 28 points in arrears following their 40 point deduction for refusing Sheffield Utd permission to take Robert Green, Scottie Parker, Matthew Upson, Luis Jiminez and Savio on season-long loans.

Spurs have 4 players in the treatment room leading to Harry Redknapp stating to the press that he's down to the bare bones. "How the hell can I possibly compete with the big boys when I've only got 97 fit players in the first team squad ?"

Manchester City buy Newcastle United