Predictions for July

Last updated : 26 June 2009 By Cockniodicanio


is hit by a freak iceberg

Players all over the country report back for pre-season training including Scottie Parker who has only just got back from the summer holiday that he shared with his wife and the West Ham physio.

No, honestly !

Notable absentees at Chadwell Heath are Kieron Dyer who has torn a muscle in his left eyebrow, Dean Ashton who has a freak hair-colouring injury and Julian Faubert who has a sleeping related injury.

Manchester United make an approach for 18 year old Douglas Costa - dubbed the New Ronaldo

The announcement that Ricky
Sbragia and Malcom Crosby are Motherwell's new management team goes by almost un-noticed until somebody notices that one name can be rearranged to spell "Bra rag is icky" and the other one can be rearranged to spell "Molly crams cob".

City sign Douglas Costa

Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce tries to sign "Juicy" Jaaskaleinen from Bolton

Kevin Keegan leaves his post as Director Of Football at Newcastle to take the reigns as manager of Southampton

Tony Pulis adds Kieron Dyer to his squad and says "Having snatched Michael Owen from under the noses of Hull and prising Dean Ashton away from West Ham we now have a wide player to supply the ammunition and we're confident we'll be pushing for a Europa League place."

City sign "Juicy" Jaaskaleinen from Bolton

Darren Anderton comes out of retirement and applies for trials at Stoke

Arsenal make approaches to 14 year old French wonder-kid Francois Croissant from Marseilles

Dean Ashton breaks a metatarsal in his first training session. When asked why he has classed it as a "freak injury" Stoke physiotherapist Hugh Laurie says "Well he has broken his seventh metatarsal but he only had six to start with !"

Manchester City sign 14 year old French wonder-kid Francois Croissant from Marseilles

QPR sack manager Jim Magilton when his "probables" only scrape a 2-2 draw with his "possibles" in a pre-season training match.

Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce tries to sign Doris Formica from Bolton's catering department

make an approach to Sevilla for 13 year old Spanish wonderkid Sergio Paella

Master wheeler-dealer Harry Redknapp sells Tom Huddlestone to Aston Villa for £15m, Darren Bent to Charlton for £12m, Aaron Lennon to Liverpool for £20m, Roman Pavlyuchenko to Inter Milan for £15m and David Bentley to Blackburn for £10m.

With the proceeds he buys 45 African midfielders that he spotted playing in a car park at the Confederation Cup in June

City sign 13 year old Spanish wonderkid Sergio Paella from Sevilla

In other sport :

A bumper year for the Brits as Andy Murray wins the men's singles at Wimbledon. Murray's victory sparks wild celebrations in Scotland. In England however, the victory celebrations are muted and there is some sneering due to the fact Murray only won because Roger Federer was escorted from the centre court by the Fashion Police during the warm-up citing "Crimes against waistcoats"

English girl Laura Robson wins the Junior Ladies singles.

Marat Safin, Andy Murray and Amelie Mauresmo ask if they can take part in a round-robin tournament to decide who gets to dance with her at the Winner's Ball. Amelie Mauresmo wins by default when the other two fail to turn up

and Australia draw the first Ashes test in Cardiff when a "passing shower" lasts 5 days

Er, that's it for other sports

However, in another tennis related story, Arsenal sign Michelle Larcher de Brito the 16 year old female Portuguese tennis player. Arsene Wenger says "No we haven't signed her for our all-conquering ladies team. We have signed her as a supporter. There will be no more accusations that the Emirates is quieter than a library because we have trained her to perform her shriek every time a player starts the back-swing of his foot".

House prices in Highbury crash

A cleaner finds Marat Safin & Andy Murray bound and gagged in a closet in Wimbledon's basement

Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce tries to sign Andy O'Brian from Bolton

"Simple Irishman" David O'Leary returns to Leeds Utd as manager and promises to return them to their rightful place. Neutral fans all over the country look forward to the day when Leeds Utd are in the Beezer Homes League

City sign Andy O'Brian from Bolton

QPR appoint Alan Pardew as their new manager

David O'Leary sign Robbie Fowler for Leeds Utd and says "We've been paying his wages for the past 5 years anyway so he might as well earn them here"

and Australia draw the second Ashes test at Lords due to a 5 day snow-storm

QPR sack Alan Pardew after his "probables" team suffer their 4th conceded corner in succession in a pre-season training game against the "possibles"

City sign QPR's possibles

In the 4 team Barclays Asia Trophy, West Ham somehow manage to finish 10th

QPR appoint Steve Coppell as their new manager on the same day that Alan Curbishley returns to Charlton

Harry Redknapp sets new standards for wheeling and dealing when he sells Paul Robinson to Blackburn and Michael Carrick and Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester Utd.