Predictions for July

By Cockniodicanio
Last updated : 26 June 2009

July


Wigan
is hit by a freak iceberg


Players all over the country report back for pre-season training including Scottie Parker who has only just got back from the summer holiday that he shared with his wife and the West Ham physio.


No, honestly !


Notable absentees at Chadwell Heath are Kieron Dyer who has torn a muscle in his left eyebrow, Dean Ashton who has a freak hair-colouring injury and Julian Faubert who has a sleeping related injury.


Manchester United make an approach for 18 year old Douglas Costa - dubbed the New Ronaldo


The announcement that Ricky
Sbragia and Malcom Crosby are Motherwell's new management team goes by almost un-noticed until somebody notices that one name can be rearranged to spell "Bra rag is icky" and the other one can be rearranged to spell "Molly crams cob".


Manchester
City sign Douglas Costa


Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce tries to sign "Juicy" Jaaskaleinen from Bolton


Kevin Keegan leaves his post as Director Of Football at Newcastle to take the reigns as manager of Southampton


Tony Pulis adds Kieron Dyer to his squad and says "Having snatched Michael Owen from under the noses of Hull and prising Dean Ashton away from West Ham we now have a wide player to supply the ammunition and we're confident we'll be pushing for a Europa League place."


Manchester
City sign "Juicy" Jaaskaleinen from Bolton


Darren Anderton comes out of retirement and applies for trials at Stoke


Arsenal make approaches to 14 year old French wonder-kid Francois Croissant from Marseilles

Dean Ashton breaks a metatarsal in his first training session. When asked why he has classed it as a "freak injury" Stoke physiotherapist Hugh Laurie says "Well he has broken his seventh metatarsal but he only had six to start with !"

Manchester City sign 14 year old French wonder-kid Francois Croissant from Marseilles


QPR sack manager Jim Magilton when his "probables" only scrape a 2-2 draw with his "possibles" in a pre-season training match.


Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce tries to sign Doris Formica from Bolton's catering department


Liverpool
make an approach to Sevilla for 13 year old Spanish wonderkid Sergio Paella


Master wheeler-dealer Harry Redknapp sells Tom Huddlestone to Aston Villa for £15m, Darren Bent to Charlton for £12m, Aaron Lennon to Liverpool for £20m, Roman Pavlyuchenko to Inter Milan for £15m and David Bentley to Blackburn for £10m.


With the proceeds he buys 45 African midfielders that he spotted playing in a car park at the Confederation Cup in June


Manchester
City sign 13 year old Spanish wonderkid Sergio Paella from Sevilla


In other sport :


A bumper year for the Brits as Andy Murray wins the men's singles at Wimbledon. Murray's victory sparks wild celebrations in Scotland. In England however, the victory celebrations are muted and there is some sneering due to the fact Murray only won because Roger Federer was escorted from the centre court by the Fashion Police during the warm-up citing "Crimes against waistcoats"


English girl Laura Robson wins the Junior Ladies singles.


Marat Safin, Andy Murray and Amelie Mauresmo ask if they can take part in a round-robin tournament to decide who gets to dance with her at the Winner's Ball. Amelie Mauresmo wins by default when the other two fail to turn up


England
and Australia draw the first Ashes test in Cardiff when a "passing shower" lasts 5 days


Er, that's it for other sports


However, in another tennis related story, Arsenal sign Michelle Larcher de Brito the 16 year old female Portuguese tennis player. Arsene Wenger says "No we haven't signed her for our all-conquering ladies team. We have signed her as a supporter. There will be no more accusations that the Emirates is quieter than a library because we have trained her to perform her shriek every time a player starts the back-swing of his foot".


House prices in Highbury crash


A cleaner finds Marat Safin & Andy Murray bound and gagged in a closet in Wimbledon's basement


Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce tries to sign Andy O'Brian from Bolton


"Simple Irishman" David O'Leary returns to Leeds Utd as manager and promises to return them to their rightful place. Neutral fans all over the country look forward to the day when Leeds Utd are in the Beezer Homes League


Manchester
City sign Andy O'Brian from Bolton


QPR appoint Alan Pardew as their new manager


David O'Leary sign Robbie Fowler for Leeds Utd and says "We've been paying his wages for the past 5 years anyway so he might as well earn them here"


England
and Australia draw the second Ashes test at Lords due to a 5 day snow-storm


QPR sack Alan Pardew after his "probables" team suffer their 4th conceded corner in succession in a pre-season training game against the "possibles"


Manchester
City sign QPR's possibles


In the 4 team Barclays Asia Trophy, West Ham somehow manage to finish 10th


QPR appoint Steve Coppell as their new manager on the same day that Alan Curbishley returns to Charlton


Harry Redknapp sets new standards for wheeling and dealing when he sells Paul Robinson to Blackburn and Michael Carrick and Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester Utd.

West Ham United Match Reports

Premier League Sat 10th February 15:00

West Ham United 2 - 0 Watford

Last game - Match Centre


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